birthday wish
this year is the second year of my second decade. I was thinking about the wish that I had to make in a month or so, and it came as a big surprise that I didn’t have to think for a while: my well-formulated wish was created in just a couple of seconds. and it was not about him.
the unlikelihood of such a situation is connected to the fact that for the past couple of years every time I had to make a wish on my birthday, new year, 16:16, 12:12, 17:17, it was always connected to this one person. first, a wish for us to celebrate the next new year together, then, to move with him to the Netherlands, and later-for us to come back to each other. So now that he is no longer part of my life, I expected to encounter certain difficulties with coming up with a new wish.
But I wished something else this time. I have wished to find myself in a state of harmony with my thoughts, feelings and body.
This is what I thought of when I asked myself about the priority in my life. See, the question is the same as it was two-three years ago. 18-year-old miss Marish had me and him as a priority. I certainly didn’t care much about myself as a separate person, but it also wasn’t really just about him, it was our relationship, us, that mattered the most to me. And how could I be a priority to myself if I did not know who this person-ME-even was? It is not to say that I know now, but at least, I’m on the way. And this realization was so difficult to even comprehend. Just a year ago the thoughts of me as the most important person of my life were not even on the table.
In the post-breakup period I had so many questions about him and I could not understand how could he change so much. This literally was the most frequent thought in my head: I was so angry at myself because I felt stupid, I felt like all this time I’ve been overlooking the reality because the person who I thought I knew the best suddenly became a stranger: i felt i didn’t know him anymore. What an irony, coming from a person who did not even question who she was, let alone understood the changes that I went through in these, probably, most shaping years.
one of the things i’ve learned, is that everything changes. you’d think - that’s so simple. it is. and yet to realize it, especially when feelings are involved, is, until now, the biggest lesson i’ve learned. and to get angry at someone for changing is just, well, stupid. the only thing you can do, is accept it. accept changes. and i know i sound like a rain-scenery reel with sad background music from a pseudo-philosopher, but it is what it is.